Ashamed.

It just hit me that im a deadbabymomma. at 21. This is NOT supposed to happen to me. Im 21.. Ive never had a medical problem in my life. and now that Ive been diagnosed with IC it will be another 5 years before I can try again. You see, I dont talk about my daughter with people I dont know very well, due to the fact that Im ashamed that Im not married. I did not intentionally become pregnant, but we had prepared in what ways we could. We were not ready to be parents.

And now that I've had a baby and she was taken back, I want one more than ever. But with IC there is the possiblity of bedrest for a long time. I make the money that pays the bills. If I dont work we will be without a house, and a car and groceries. I cannot do that to my baby. And now I'm in school and it will be four and a half years before I graduate. Then I'll have tons of student loans. "BB" will graduate in a year. He got laid off in June and hasn't found a job since. I guess that's alright because he has a crazy school schedule. However, due to lack of extra money, there is no wedding. There won't be one until he can find a job and save money. I feel like people are very judgemental because we are "living in sin" and not married. A family member asked me the other day if I planned on doing this forever. Of course I dont! Do people not realize that this was never the plan? we lived together because we were going to have a baby, and we loved each other. everyone thought that was the right thing then, and now its not? because my baby is dead, Im supposed to move out? It's crossed my mind, especially during the beginning of this ride we are now on as deadbabyparents that her death was punishment for the way I was living. That I had done something horrible that warranted the death of my little girl. Crazy, I know, but I still thought it.

So now Im at this point of waiting until things are the way they are supposed to be when I want a baby now. Losing my baby was awful enough, but not being able to try, to have that hope again, indefinitely is cruel.