Thursday, October 29, 2009

Part One

Here's the story of my baby, in peices.

Lets start off. I am not married (if youve read my other posts, you know my thoughts on this) but I am dating a wonderful guy. In November of '08 I found out I was pregnant. We were trying to be very careful, I was on the pill, but obviously that wasn't careful enough! I had a feeling before I was due for AF but when I took one of those early tests things it came up negative. I waited three days and took another. In about 3 seconds I had a BFP. I called my boyfriend (who I will now call 'BB') and all he could say was give him time to think. I spent the rest of the next few hours trying to figure out what I was gonna do. A short while later, he called me and wanted to know if I would go bowling. When I got to his house I showed him the THREE tests I took and they all very clearly showed I was pregnant. He asked me to try another. I said, "no, I knew I was pregnant, and those things get expensive so if he wanted another test, he had to buy it." that was the end of that.

I spent the next few weeks getting excited. I always wanted to be a mom. When I was little I told my own mother I wanted ten kids. I loved the idea of having life inside me, even if I wasn't prepared completely. I thought we'd manage. I did have a hard time telling my mother. She somehow found out when I was not around and by the time she saw me she was okay with it.

I never really got morning sickness. There were times I felt nauseated but that was usually if I got up too fast or was around horrible food. I remember we had a Thanksgiving potluck thing at work and all during lunch I thought it would be a miracle if I didnt hurl all over the lady in front of me eating gigblet gravy. yuck.

At about the 9 week I started bleeding. It was light and would be brown. It would usually happen after I was laying on my stomach (I am such a stomach sleeper. Even later on I would find myself sleeping on my stomach and would wake up because the baby would be squirming so bad.) I called my doctor's office and the very rude nurse who answered, told me I must be miscarrying and I needed to go to the E.R. well I simply told her that I would just hang up and call back and hopefully I would get a nurse who would be a little more helpful. And that's exactly what I did. I got an appt that day for an ultrasound.

I worked at the hospital that my doctor was affliated with, and luckly he was just a second down the road. I hadn't told my job that I was pregnant yet (there were already 2 of the 5 girls in my department pregnant and I had only been there 5 months) so I told them I think I might have the flu. They definitely let me go. BB couldnt be there due to the short notice, and since I didnt want to be alone if indeed they told me I miscarried I took my best friend.

needless to say, i fell in love when i heard her heart beat and watched her move. It was the most amazing thing ever.

I was told I had subchorionic hematomas which is like a blood pool between the uterus, and where the placenta was trying to form. Its not very common but if they arent big the blood will either be absorbed, or will push itself out, which it did in my case. It can cause miscarriage, but my pregnancy was progressing smoothly. Or so we thought.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Simple Update.

I'm trying to keep this updated as much as possible. Here's a little bit of what's going on in my life.
-Only a month a half left of school.. im about 1/10 of the way through.. but thats farther than I was in August! I definitely would not be here if it werent for my daughter. I wouldn't realize how important somethings are.

- We are a step closer in planning our Vegas getaway! I am SO excited. It comes the same week as McKenna's birthday. I find it fitting to celebrate her in style.. still gotta figure out what I want to do for her actually birthday.

-I am trying out my culinary skills.. it would be a dream to open up my own bakery one day...

- I still really miss my baby. Its strange.. I can be so grateful for her and crying at the same time.. just as I can be happy and sad over her at the same time.. I'm hoping this is the middle stage? I'd love to only have happy thoughts of her all the time. ahhh... here comes another tear..

Sunday, October 25, 2009


This past weekend was spent at the state fair and at car.o.winds for their annual halloween event. And i can definitely find the silver lining in being childless at the moment. or at least not the parents of ill-behaved children.

One- I am able to ride rides and be a kid myself at an amusement park. this time last year I was pregnant. I would not have been able to enjoy any of this. I do believe I am getting older as my legs are so sore and my neck feels as if i have suffered severe whiplash from a car wreck.

Two- My pet peeve showed. I cannot stand rude or annoying children! I fully believe this is the parents' fault, but that doesn't make standing in line with them or being ran over by them any easier.

It's nice to find the silver lining in unfortunate circumstances : )

Thursday, October 22, 2009


It just hit me that im a deadbabymomma. at 21. This is NOT supposed to happen to me. Im 21.. Ive never had a medical problem in my life. and now that Ive been diagnosed with IC it will be another 5 years before I can try again. You see, I dont talk about my daughter with people I dont know very well, due to the fact that Im ashamed that Im not married. I did not intentionally become pregnant, but we had prepared in what ways we could. We were not ready to be parents.

And now that I've had a baby and she was taken back, I want one more than ever. But with IC there is the possiblity of bedrest for a long time. I make the money that pays the bills. If I dont work we will be without a house, and a car and groceries. I cannot do that to my baby. And now I'm in school and it will be four and a half years before I graduate. Then I'll have tons of student loans. "BB" will graduate in a year. He got laid off in June and hasn't found a job since. I guess that's alright because he has a crazy school schedule. However, due to lack of extra money, there is no wedding. There won't be one until he can find a job and save money. I feel like people are very judgemental because we are "living in sin" and not married. A family member asked me the other day if I planned on doing this forever. Of course I dont! Do people not realize that this was never the plan? we lived together because we were going to have a baby, and we loved each other. everyone thought that was the right thing then, and now its not? because my baby is dead, Im supposed to move out? It's crossed my mind, especially during the beginning of this ride we are now on as deadbabyparents that her death was punishment for the way I was living. That I had done something horrible that warranted the death of my little girl. Crazy, I know, but I still thought it.

So now Im at this point of waiting until things are the way they are supposed to be when I want a baby now. Losing my baby was awful enough, but not being able to try, to have that hope again, indefinitely is cruel.

Monday, October 19, 2009


How can someone who is having a perfectly healthy pregnancy complain to me about the 'problems' of it? I would love to feel your backaches and swollen feet, if it meant I'd be holding a healthy baby in the end. Some women blow my mind. If you need an outlet to vent about your 'issues', by all means find one, but don't make it me. seriously. puts it into perspective.

On another note, BB and I are planning a Vegas trip for March, the same week of McKenna's birthday. We were on vacation when I went into labor last year, so this year I really want to enjoy myself. During the planning of this, I've been thinking a lot about where I would like to travel and things I'd like to do, especially before we have kids. Its much easier for me to focus on those sorts of things, since trying again isn't realistically in my future for another 4 and a half years or so. My main intention of this blog was to share these goals. There are the obvious ones like getting married, which I want to do as soon as possible (but I would like to have a nice, memorable wedding) and finishing school, which is going to take me five years since I work full- time too. So I've compiled a list of the places I want to go to..

Vacation Destinations-
  • Las Vegas (going 3/6/10!)
  • New York
  • Cruise (anywhere, just so long as it on water)
  • Grand Canyon (hopefully the Las Vegas trip)
  • Italy
That's it. five little places I'd like to go before I decide to start trying for a baby again : )

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The Start of It...

My daughter, McKenna Grace, blessed our world for just a short time. Due to an incompetent cervix, she was born too soon to survive. I am not in the place right now to share my pregnancy story, or her birth; that is something I hope I can do at a later time.

Since her passing, I have had huge ups and downs. Ultimately, her presence in my life made me grateful for everything. I believe I am just now coming out of the bitterness, seven months later.

I am young. Young enough to believe I have the luxury to wait to have another baby. This blog will not be about my attempts to TTC, at least not any time soon. It will be a place for me to heal and hear from other moms who know what it is like. Its not that I don't want a baby, I certaintly do; even more so after our loss. For me, the loss is still too fresh. Anything now will feel like a 'replacement' and there are none of those. For now I will just chronicle my adventures as a new college student (something I believe I have to do for my baby) and my journey through life trying to get more prepared for the next time I get a chance to have a baby.