Where to go from here?

Friday me and BB had a huge fight. He wanted me to go to a friend's house who is about to pop. They were having one last get together before the baby comes. Just the other week at her baby shower (the only one I've managed to go to) she was complaining to me about how much stuff she still had to do. I wanted to tell her that it would all be ok, and more than likely she'll be bringing home a baby. who cares if the room isnt set up the way she wants it? I would have loved to make it to 36 weeks. ugh. anyways, he didn't understand how I absolutely did not want to go. He couldn't get that I do not want to sit around a bunch of women discussing birthing stories. Of course, I had mine, but I would not be asked to share it. I would not be considered part of the mother group. I don't understand why it doesn't bother him to be around the dad? I mean he was so close to being that, and then it was all taken away. How come he doesn't feel any jealousy towards them when I have so much? Anyways..

He told me he was tired of hearing about it. Hello? I miss my baby. He's the one I should be able to talk to. He's the one who's supposed to know what Im going through. He said Im depressed. You see, I work 40+ hours a week and Im a full time student. I never want to do anything but lay around when I have spare time. Maybe that does make me depressed. Also, I feel like there's a few walls put up. One is between me and my baby. That wall is death. The other is between me and BB and the rest of the world, which has, apparently, gone on. Im in the middle. I feel like if I don't think about her everyday, and don't get sad, Im getting closer to scaling the wall to join the group who has gone on. I feel that my sadness keeps me close to my child. After all, it is a sad situation. I want to move on and be happy, but sadness is unfortunately the only thing I can associate my short time with my baby with, and if I lose that, I lose what I have left of her. How demented is this? I'm not sure what I should do.

On another note, I have gained 30 pounds (thats right, 30!) since having McKenna. I never gained one pound during pregnancy. in fact, I lost 3. So now Im gaining like crazy, and sometimes it makes me wonder if there is another one in there lol. I talked to my doctor in July (when I had only gained 15) and she just said that if I could get it off in a year it shouldn't be a problem. Another reason I am switching doctors. Well now I can only fit into 2 pair of my jeans and Im running out of options. I would like to take care of this myself. I hate taking medication, and this doctor loves to put me on it, so I'm sure if I go in she'll tell me to pop a pill. So before I take the medical route, I'd like to train to run a marathon. Or something like it.

All the girls at my work are very much in shape, and a few of them travel nationally to run full marathons. ha. that is so not me. I'd just like to start out at the smallest distance please? Not to mention that I have absolutely no idea about running. or exercise for that matter. so I guess I better get started with my research! (and training...)

8 months.

It's been 8 months since McKenna's birthday. I just realized it now. I used to not be able to get through the day on the 2nd of each month, but it is a little easier now. No tears as of yet! Im in the process of writing down our experience, but it gets harder to recall everything exactly. Especially since I had so much medication. There are some things that are clear as day though. It will come soon.

I love you to the moon and back McKenna!