a little vacation

Oh gosh, its been so long. Where do I start?

First off, BB proposed. We are getting married August 6th of 2011. I am really excited and throwing myself into this wedding planning thing full force. I know it's a long way off, but I love this type of stuff and planning.

Second, I survived my first semester of school after coming back. I did relatively well I think, I made an A 2 C's and a B. I work full time as well.

Christmas was not bad, I must admit. I was not in a horrible mood, but I had my moments. I also found myself thinking about where I was at this time last year (pregnant) and how I thought then that I would have a cuddly little baby with me this Christmas. Oh, how wrong I was. That's what I miss most. What could've been, and what should've been. Not neccessarily for me, but for McKenna. She was robbed of everything.

I just want to throw this out there, is it wrong for me to think of McKenna as a fully developed human? I only made it to 20 weeks. I didn't think of her as a child with a personality and all that comes along with being alive until after I lost her.

That leaves me with why I haven't been writing. I get on here frequently and look around, but when I go to type, Im out of words. Or, I start thinking things that make me want to cry. I cry too much. That's my problem.

Where to go from here?

Friday me and BB had a huge fight. He wanted me to go to a friend's house who is about to pop. They were having one last get together before the baby comes. Just the other week at her baby shower (the only one I've managed to go to) she was complaining to me about how much stuff she still had to do. I wanted to tell her that it would all be ok, and more than likely she'll be bringing home a baby. who cares if the room isnt set up the way she wants it? I would have loved to make it to 36 weeks. ugh. anyways, he didn't understand how I absolutely did not want to go. He couldn't get that I do not want to sit around a bunch of women discussing birthing stories. Of course, I had mine, but I would not be asked to share it. I would not be considered part of the mother group. I don't understand why it doesn't bother him to be around the dad? I mean he was so close to being that, and then it was all taken away. How come he doesn't feel any jealousy towards them when I have so much? Anyways..

He told me he was tired of hearing about it. Hello? I miss my baby. He's the one I should be able to talk to. He's the one who's supposed to know what Im going through. He said Im depressed. You see, I work 40+ hours a week and Im a full time student. I never want to do anything but lay around when I have spare time. Maybe that does make me depressed. Also, I feel like there's a few walls put up. One is between me and my baby. That wall is death. The other is between me and BB and the rest of the world, which has, apparently, gone on. Im in the middle. I feel like if I don't think about her everyday, and don't get sad, Im getting closer to scaling the wall to join the group who has gone on. I feel that my sadness keeps me close to my child. After all, it is a sad situation. I want to move on and be happy, but sadness is unfortunately the only thing I can associate my short time with my baby with, and if I lose that, I lose what I have left of her. How demented is this? I'm not sure what I should do.

On another note, I have gained 30 pounds (thats right, 30!) since having McKenna. I never gained one pound during pregnancy. in fact, I lost 3. So now Im gaining like crazy, and sometimes it makes me wonder if there is another one in there lol. I talked to my doctor in July (when I had only gained 15) and she just said that if I could get it off in a year it shouldn't be a problem. Another reason I am switching doctors. Well now I can only fit into 2 pair of my jeans and Im running out of options. I would like to take care of this myself. I hate taking medication, and this doctor loves to put me on it, so I'm sure if I go in she'll tell me to pop a pill. So before I take the medical route, I'd like to train to run a marathon. Or something like it.

All the girls at my work are very much in shape, and a few of them travel nationally to run full marathons. ha. that is so not me. I'd just like to start out at the smallest distance please? Not to mention that I have absolutely no idea about running. or exercise for that matter. so I guess I better get started with my research! (and training...)

8 months.

It's been 8 months since McKenna's birthday. I just realized it now. I used to not be able to get through the day on the 2nd of each month, but it is a little easier now. No tears as of yet! Im in the process of writing down our experience, but it gets harder to recall everything exactly. Especially since I had so much medication. There are some things that are clear as day though. It will come soon.

I love you to the moon and back McKenna!

Part One

Here's the story of my baby, in peices.



Lets start off. I am not married (if youve read my other posts, you know my thoughts on this) but I am dating a wonderful guy. In November of '08 I found out I was pregnant. We were trying to be very careful, I was on the pill, but obviously that wasn't careful enough! I had a feeling before I was due for AF but when I took one of those early tests things it came up negative. I waited three days and took another. In about 3 seconds I had a BFP. I called my boyfriend (who I will now call 'BB') and all he could say was give him time to think. I spent the rest of the next few hours trying to figure out what I was gonna do. A short while later, he called me and wanted to know if I would go bowling. When I got to his house I showed him the THREE tests I took and they all very clearly showed I was pregnant. He asked me to try another. I said, "no, I knew I was pregnant, and those things get expensive so if he wanted another test, he had to buy it." that was the end of that.



I spent the next few weeks getting excited. I always wanted to be a mom. When I was little I told my own mother I wanted ten kids. I loved the idea of having life inside me, even if I wasn't prepared completely. I thought we'd manage. I did have a hard time telling my mother. She somehow found out when I was not around and by the time she saw me she was okay with it.



I never really got morning sickness. There were times I felt nauseated but that was usually if I got up too fast or was around horrible food. I remember we had a Thanksgiving potluck thing at work and all during lunch I thought it would be a miracle if I didnt hurl all over the lady in front of me eating gigblet gravy. yuck.



At about the 9 week I started bleeding. It was light and would be brown. It would usually happen after I was laying on my stomach (I am such a stomach sleeper. Even later on I would find myself sleeping on my stomach and would wake up because the baby would be squirming so bad.) I called my doctor's office and the very rude nurse who answered, told me I must be miscarrying and I needed to go to the E.R. well I simply told her that I would just hang up and call back and hopefully I would get a nurse who would be a little more helpful. And that's exactly what I did. I got an appt that day for an ultrasound.



I worked at the hospital that my doctor was affliated with, and luckly he was just a second down the road. I hadn't told my job that I was pregnant yet (there were already 2 of the 5 girls in my department pregnant and I had only been there 5 months) so I told them I think I might have the flu. They definitely let me go. BB couldnt be there due to the short notice, and since I didnt want to be alone if indeed they told me I miscarried I took my best friend.

needless to say, i fell in love when i heard her heart beat and watched her move. It was the most amazing thing ever.

I was told I had subchorionic hematomas which is like a blood pool between the uterus, and where the placenta was trying to form. Its not very common but if they arent big the blood will either be absorbed, or will push itself out, which it did in my case. It can cause miscarriage, but my pregnancy was progressing smoothly. Or so we thought.

Simple Update.

I'm trying to keep this updated as much as possible. Here's a little bit of what's going on in my life.
-Only a month a half left of school.. im about 1/10 of the way through.. but thats farther than I was in August! I definitely would not be here if it werent for my daughter. I wouldn't realize how important somethings are.

- We are a step closer in planning our Vegas getaway! I am SO excited. It comes the same week as McKenna's birthday. I find it fitting to celebrate her in style.. still gotta figure out what I want to do for her actually birthday.

-I am trying out my culinary skills.. it would be a dream to open up my own bakery one day...

- I still really miss my baby. Its strange.. I can be so grateful for her and crying at the same time.. just as I can be happy and sad over her at the same time.. I'm hoping this is the middle stage? I'd love to only have happy thoughts of her all the time. ahhh... here comes another tear..

amusement.

This past weekend was spent at the state fair and at car.o.winds for their annual halloween event. And i can definitely find the silver lining in being childless at the moment. or at least not the parents of ill-behaved children.

One- I am able to ride rides and be a kid myself at an amusement park. this time last year I was pregnant. I would not have been able to enjoy any of this. I do believe I am getting older as my legs are so sore and my neck feels as if i have suffered severe whiplash from a car wreck.

Two- My pet peeve showed. I cannot stand rude or annoying children! I fully believe this is the parents' fault, but that doesn't make standing in line with them or being ran over by them any easier.

It's nice to find the silver lining in unfortunate circumstances : )

Ashamed.

It just hit me that im a deadbabymomma. at 21. This is NOT supposed to happen to me. Im 21.. Ive never had a medical problem in my life. and now that Ive been diagnosed with IC it will be another 5 years before I can try again. You see, I dont talk about my daughter with people I dont know very well, due to the fact that Im ashamed that Im not married. I did not intentionally become pregnant, but we had prepared in what ways we could. We were not ready to be parents.

And now that I've had a baby and she was taken back, I want one more than ever. But with IC there is the possiblity of bedrest for a long time. I make the money that pays the bills. If I dont work we will be without a house, and a car and groceries. I cannot do that to my baby. And now I'm in school and it will be four and a half years before I graduate. Then I'll have tons of student loans. "BB" will graduate in a year. He got laid off in June and hasn't found a job since. I guess that's alright because he has a crazy school schedule. However, due to lack of extra money, there is no wedding. There won't be one until he can find a job and save money. I feel like people are very judgemental because we are "living in sin" and not married. A family member asked me the other day if I planned on doing this forever. Of course I dont! Do people not realize that this was never the plan? we lived together because we were going to have a baby, and we loved each other. everyone thought that was the right thing then, and now its not? because my baby is dead, Im supposed to move out? It's crossed my mind, especially during the beginning of this ride we are now on as deadbabyparents that her death was punishment for the way I was living. That I had done something horrible that warranted the death of my little girl. Crazy, I know, but I still thought it.

So now Im at this point of waiting until things are the way they are supposed to be when I want a baby now. Losing my baby was awful enough, but not being able to try, to have that hope again, indefinitely is cruel.